​A Revelation.

August 22, 2013
 
The first time I had glimpsed the true way of compassion towards those who assault us, through my hurt and anger, was while reading a book called ‘The Winner’s Bible’, some three years ago.  There I was, filled with anger and hate towards a family member (let’s call her Gwen) who had hurt me in so many ways, for so long, surrounded by people that are inherently connected to her, knowing I cannot just walk away, and knowing that her toxic existence in my life now threatened the very foundation of my own family.
 
As we drove off on our family outing, surrounded by her world, her poison threatening to crack through the now fragile underlying structure that supported my family unit, threatening the love that still kept us together, I was silent.  There was anger in the air, thick and heavy, and I was silent.
 
But this was a different silence.  Yes, I was afraid for our future and desperate to have this pain and damage end, but something else was touching me.  Something gentle and kind, confident and quiet.  And I was silent because I was trying to grasp this message that was coming to me steadily through my emotional turmoil.  In the strangest contradiction I felt anger and saw compassion at the same time.  And the message was there for a long time, all through the drive and most of that day.  My husband took my silence to mean what most people would, which only reinforced the cloud that hung over our heads that day.  And yet the message kept coming through: ‘There is another way; there is wisdom in this place that can be followed’.  This voice, this entity, call it what you will, was showing me something different.  This was what some might call a moment of enlightenment, of true illumination, but it was more than a moment.  It was a clear message that stayed with me that day, still and present.  At the time I wrote:
 
An eye opener through my pain and hurt that there was another way to be.  Where you can go lower, deeper, then a superficial emotional level of aggressive communication.  Where you can see your aggressor.  See their real motivation.  Motivation that is not really to do with you.  And when you see that, you give them empathy and respect.  And maybe, they can see that respect in your eyes, and switch too, to a deeper level of meaning, communication, and interaction.  Not that I am very good at that.  I still struggle to resist that surface level of frustration and the urge to lash back.  (February 27, 2010)
 
It felt illusive, however, as I struggled to hold on to it, for although its presence was as real and as independent of me as the sun shining above, its rays of clarity were shadowed by the clouds of anger and pain that shrouded my body and being.  And there I was, in my silence, with waves of emotion washing over me, trying to get a glimpse of this confident presence of truth that was there for me to behold if only I could clear a path for it to enter through the sphere of my emotional turmoil.
 
This was over three years ago.  Three years since a moment of godly truth touched me, and still now I am caged in by the barred walls of my own crippling emotions.  But much has happened since, many more glimpses to be shared, and I am now in a place where they are all coming together.  I had spent the morning with my son at a session, discussing the subject of bullies and how he might cope.  In this simple session that was addressing an eight-year-old boy, simple tools seemed to bring together years of messages.  When I arrived home an urge to sit and take note compelled me to this place: to continue a journey and maybe, finally, to find some simple truths that can provide resolution and help me achieve lasting inner peace and answers to the hard questions of Self, Compassion, and Forgiveness.

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