Despair

I was reading ‘Fires and Floods’ again.  I wanted to remind myself what could possibly be a good explanation to our existence and situation here.  I don’t mean Robertson, although that is acutely, a fair question.  I mean this world; this cruel, vicious, unexplainable place, a punishment if ever there was one.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record.  This dog-eat-dog world cannot come good, it can’t possibly, not the way it is set up, self-devouring, leaving us feeling alone and afraid, always.
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Cory died last night.  It was a violent death.  Loud, and painful.  Horrible.  When I left her to check on the chicks, I felt I was disconnecting when I shouldn’t.  When I came back to hear her loud choking, it was almost too late.  When I picked her up I felt her little heart racing.  Not long after she was gone.  I don’t even know if she knew I was there.

Every chick that hatches is a sombre event.  I don’t know what I am hatching them to.  What sort of place, what sort of life?  Everything is awful.  Giving up and having a ‘fuck you’ attitude seems to be the only way to maintain sanity in an insane world.  Not expecting anything in a world that is sure to devastate seems the only way to stay honest and true to myself.

And amidst all this: The diamond.  The tree.  Bazit.
'Fires and Floods' and countless other events, huge and loud, tiny -almost unrecognisable,  whispering to me again and again that we are not alone.  We are loved.  Someone is watching, staying with us.  Are they hugging us the way I hugged Cory last night?  While we barely notice they are there, unable to heal and ease our pain, despite their love for us?  Are our gods as powerless to help us as we are to help our children, let alone ourselves?
What an odd, strange, horrible existence.
What a terrible world we live in.