An experiment in Happiness

In meditation someone mentioned self-hate.  Being new to the group I was surprised that anyone would admit to it so openly, but to be fair, it is that.  Self-rejection as a direct result of unbearable inner pain.  We are taught to reject ourselves.  Then we find it unbearable to live in our own skin.  It can happen simply by being taught competitiveness.  Suddenly we don’t measure up.  Then, of course, there is everything else; physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.  Simply being made to feel unloved at a young age, or even worse, having to earn birthright love through self-change.  Witnessing other’s horrors.  The list is inexhaustible.  Given enough time, we may forget who we are.

I am in looking for a permanent solution for everyone.
Are we humans capable of lasting true happiness?

The one time in my life I experienced the sheer joy of life was a couple of decades ago.  Life was spectacular and I was part of it.  Much pain led me to this place.  I had quit smoking, ended a long-term relationship, and was in therapy, all of which brought on a long period of surfacing anguish.  When the clouds of pain began to disperse, a self-emergence (triggered by unconditional self-acceptance) brought with it an experience of joy and vitality I never knew before.  For the first time in my life, life was truly worth living.

This lasted the better part of a year, maybe more.  When I moved to a place of my own I found I was facing an old demon I was not ready to face.  I took up smoking again, and very gradually, the joy faded.  Self-denial, in all its forms, is a killer.  A killer of life, joy, and Self.  When we detach from ourselves we cripple our being.  We become helplessly lost and alone in a foreign land.  We must return home!

This thing that happened to me years ago is not lost, I am forever changed, but it has faded significantly.  It was a powerful gift and a wonder.  I say gift, because I stumbled into it somehow.  It is not the only magical experience, event, or period in my life that has been gifted to me out of nowhere it would seem.  And I stand in awe, full of gratitude and humbled by life’s grace.  But it is illusive, not clear how it arrived, or how long it will stay.

So here’s the thing:
Is it possible to achieve this experience of life, self-love, self-realisation, and true fulfilment on purpose?  Have I accumulated enough experiences and wisdom to navigate myself consciously and intentionally to the place where I belong, a place of true well-being?  Because if I can do it, anyone can.