I found someone on the internet a few days ago.  Someone I wasn’t looking for.  His name is Wayne William Snellgrove, and our communication was mainly of a spiritual nature.  My brain has been buzzing since, and I have been motivated to sit down and write stuff.  But something else has been brought up.  Wayne defines himself as a Genocide Survivor.  When I read those words, I felt the familiar sensation of something in me closing.  A few years ago I read ‘Lame Deer, Seeker of Visions’, with a similar excitement at the spiritual content, that was dampened throughout the book when I read about the horrors committed against these people (and the land). 

We seem infinitely capable of committing atrocities against each other, ourselves, and the world in which we live.  It seems instinctive, almost, as we are quick to react.  Acts of love, caring, and nurturing don’t seem quite as easy, for some reason (with some exceptions such as a mother’s love). 

I now live in a peaceful country with lots of wild land, untampered by humans (yet).  I have everything I could possibly want.  I don’t just say that, I am in awe at how lucky I am to literally want nothing else.  That doesn’t mean I am always happy.  There is an unhappiness in me, but because I want for nothing, I know that the answer to my healing and key to my happiness lie within. 

As some of you know, I grew up in a war-torn country, and many of you who shared my childhood are still there (mostly by choice).  I lived in my own little bubble as a kid, more so because of the immediate society in which I grew up, rather than some large-scale political situation.  But on one level or another we are all aware, and I grew up believing that peace is an impossibility.  That eventually developed into a total lack of interest in politics, and when I get that heavy feeling at the face of humans wronging others, my heart sinks but my head says ‘not me, I’m not an activist’.

Even as a child I would say people should get themselves a good dose of therapy, sort out their shit, maybe then they wouldn’t be so hell bent on blowing up everyone and everything.  I don’t know if I believe in therapy all that much anymore.  (Then again, define therapy).  But I still believe that truly happy people don’t spend their precious time here plotting ways to hurt others.  (Or, in fact, hurting each other unconsciously).  So, after decades of life experience, I am back at the same place I was as a child, truly believing that if there is any chance for a kinder world, it needs to start from within each and every one of us.  This experiment in happiness is directly about that.  That is why I believe it is important, and that is why I value the participation and/or feedback of pretty much anyone who is part of the human race.  Because like it or not, one way or another, we are all in it together.

​And one more thing:
There is a lady I know and love.  She is the most gentle person I know.  To me she always came across as shy and withdrawn.  Who would have thought she would become the activist I see today.  I think that when we become activists we step out and take responsibility for whatever cause we support.  To be an activist we must inevitably connect with the very things we feel most strongly against.  My heart cannot encompass all the pain I perceive in the world around me.  For me, working with a world that holds and manifests so much misery is unbearable.  So I have found myself a paradise, and have surrounded myself with all that I love.  (And in the process, I am learning that there is nowhere to hide, life will keep coming at you, and the answer is not in getting away but in coming towards).  You are a brave woman and I have immense respect for you.

Today it was made clear to me how some things are very easy -natural and effortless even, while others are extremely difficult.  I expect this will vary from one person to the next.  (I remember reading something a friend wrote about the people in her life.  There was so much love in her words, it was poetic and very touching).

Things that are easy can be so natural they don’t need trying.  For me it’s nature, all of it.  When I am in nature I am totally connected, I feel most alive, and I flow.  I am home.

With people, for me, it is the opposite.  I feel vulnerable and self-conscious.  Even writing this, knowing it might be read by others, I become self-critical.  I don’t like doing this, it is exposing.  But if I shut down and hide away, I am following the path of separation rather than connection.  Being vulnerable often comes with connection, at least in a transition phase.  Does it hang around always? -I don’t know.  (In itself it is not such a terrible thing, there is a strength that comes from a place of vulnerability when you allow yourself to be open and connect).

Anyway, when I am in nature not only do I feel great, things tend to come together for me on many levels.  One by one my wishes come true, I am physically healthier and mentally calmer.  Healing and vitality are perpetual, and a sense of grounding is attained easily.  I used to attribute this to nature itself, to the wisdom in all that is wild and free to be as it is.  -And that is most probably true.  But it occurred to me lately that these benefits might be available everywhere, in every experience, and in all aspects of our lives, whether we are connecting with nature, living in the city, or interacting with others.  Maybe experiences of self-fulfilment, well being, and love, occur because we are open and connected, allowing these experiences to flow to and from us, channelled by whatever circumstances we are open to and welcome into our lives.  If this is indeed the case, then for me, becoming more open to people and human interaction may transform my experience of human relationships into one that is more fulfilling and supportive, within and without.

So, the question is: Are humans capable of lasting true happiness?

I don’t know what sort of responses would arise from this question.  (Guys, feel free to comment).  My answer to this question is: ‘I don’t know, I hope so’.  My motivation for this experiment is to find out whether there is a certain way of being, a path we may choose, that if followed will lead us to true happiness.  Our Yellow Brick Road.

The suggested answer, based on the premise of this experiment, is ‘yes’.
The premise is: WE ARE ONE.
And by that, I mean everyone and everything.  People, animals, plants; All of creation.
WE ARE ONE.  Feel free to take that as literally or metaphorically as you wish.

​Now, given that we are one, it is proposed that when we behave in a way that supports our connection with the whole of creation, we embark on a path of self fulfillment and natural joy.  When, on the other hand, we behave as separate entities, removed from each other and independently identified, we embark on a path of perceived self-limitation that leads to misery and a sense of lack.

Whether this is true or not, for myself is yet to be determined.  Hence this experiment.  How this works is simple (although maybe not always easy).  First, we must become aware of how we think and act within ourselves, towards others, and interact with the world around us, in the context of the premise above.  Then in time, when we are ready, we can start to consciously choose our behaviour, in moments and events throughout our daily lives.

If we are connected with everyone and everything, we would be open, loving, accepting, welcoming, giving, generous, honest, transparent, genuine, affirming, respectful, expansive, supportive, trusting, etc.  When we act from a place of individuality, we can be self-serving, fearful, protective, suspicious, closed, negating, guarded, critical, contractive, competitive, possibly dishonest, etc.

​Just because we think we believe something doesn’t mean we act as if we do.  This is about becoming aware of our actions, changing the way we live and, over time, seeing how this affects our being.  It must be simple to work or we might lose sight of our path.  Life is complicated enough.  Pick one thing (say, honesty) and observe it for a day or a week, from every aspect of our lives, interactions, and being.  If we feel we can, see what we can change -don’t push.  Don’t self-criticise.  See what happens.

In meditation someone mentioned self-hate.  Being new to the group I was surprised that anyone would admit to it so openly, but to be fair, it is that.  Self-rejection as a direct result of unbearable inner pain.  We are taught to reject ourselves.  Then we find it unbearable to live in our own skin.  It can happen simply by being taught competitiveness.  Suddenly we don’t measure up.  Then, of course, there is everything else; physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.  Simply being made to feel unloved at a young age, or even worse, having to earn birthright love through self-change.  Witnessing other’s horrors.  The list is inexhaustible.  Given enough time, we may forget who we are.

I am in looking for a permanent solution for everyone.
Are we humans capable of lasting true happiness?

The one time in my life I experienced the sheer joy of life was a couple of decades ago.  Life was spectacular and I was part of it.  Much pain led me to this place.  I had quit smoking, ended a long-term relationship, and was in therapy, all of which brought on a long period of surfacing anguish.  When the clouds of pain began to disperse, a self-emergence (triggered by unconditional self-acceptance) brought with it an experience of joy and vitality I never knew before.  For the first time in my life, life was truly worth living.

This lasted the better part of a year, maybe more.  When I moved to a place of my own I found I was facing an old demon I was not ready to face.  I took up smoking again, and very gradually, the joy faded.  Self-denial, in all its forms, is a killer.  A killer of life, joy, and Self.  When we detach from ourselves we cripple our being.  We become helplessly lost and alone in a foreign land.  We must return home!

This thing that happened to me years ago is not lost, I am forever changed, but it has faded significantly.  It was a powerful gift and a wonder.  I say gift, because I stumbled into it somehow.  It is not the only magical experience, event, or period in my life that has been gifted to me out of nowhere it would seem.  And I stand in awe, full of gratitude and humbled by life’s grace.  But it is illusive, not clear how it arrived, or how long it will stay.

So here’s the thing:
Is it possible to achieve this experience of life, self-love, self-realisation, and true fulfilment on purpose?  Have I accumulated enough experiences and wisdom to navigate myself consciously and intentionally to the place where I belong, a place of true well-being?  Because if I can do it, anyone can.